Back to Base

I’m 24, why do I still feel 12 sometimes?
Like I haven’t changed at all?
(Thank god I am still Myself … ?!)
(Thank god I can laugh at myself.)


I’ve spent a lot of time molding myself into a Cool Woman who can play with the big boys and is a Charmer and a Brooding Independent all at once and I think I sort of succeeded in this this last year (except in the ways I didn’t because I enjoy people’s company now more than ever and I get restless… lonelier faster than ever and I’ll admit it I’m too languid to be alluring… and my endless ranting and raving when I’m revved up can be a bore and/or maddening I’m sure) … I’m a little obvious maybe, and maybe I didn’t succeed at all, but as you get older you become more aware of your appearance and Posture (my back hurts all the time trying to be Confident), and what people are thinking, how people are Buying and Selling, becomes clearer, so you’re coerced into doing certain things. And you’re more concerned with asserting yourself. And maybe that’s “just me” – you can say otherwise, that you’re better than I – over the “I” completely – stripped yourself of Ego … Well, I’d always wanted to make an Impression, be a Character …

… But with graduate school looming I’m suddenly ready to be a girl again, unbothered. A schoolgirl, with schoolgirl aspirations, and a schoolgirl’s relationship to Patriarchal Power; I’ll eye it objectively, study it indifferently, and I’ll nurture my own, my own Power, my Girly Power that is straightforward – Anger and Ecstasy and raw Obsessions and tasting my own blood and making myself giggle in my bedroom, while I move to my favorite songs and croon along softly and loudly and softly, making white magic incantations … while I read book after book after book, with my battered records crackling in the background, and get flushed because I’ve read a really fascinating piece of text and I now get to mark it in my own language with a favorite pen with deep satisfaction …

… that’s about it, that’s all I really want to do with my Girly Power right now, and I’m excited to give up being a Woman in Society, a Metropolitan Female, for a bit and go back to being a full-on bookworm, to experimenting with my dress, to getting turned on and driven to action only by my Ideas/Fantasies – by no one and no thing tangible on this Earth. I’ll be an untethered girl. Then I’ll return to the Scene and begin Building …

… I’ll be a Character when I’m dead and get made up over and over again.

 
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